James What Causes Fights?

 

James

What Causes Fights?

 

When we realize where fighting comes from

We realize we don’t start with the bottom line or the answer to the issues

We start with our feelings and the feelings of others

Feelings are important and that is where we need to start

Empathy is important for two reasons

One, when we show empathy we show

The other person is more important than the issues

Two, James says we have wrong motives we want self-seeking pleasures

Empathy opens the door for correction

Like James says when we come to God we look into a mirror

In that mirror we will see wrong motives and desire for pleasures

These come from our feelings causing inner battles

Allow God to interview you in prayer and remember He wants the best for you

In the same way learn how to interview others because you want the best for them

This is how we stop the fighting and quarrels   

 

 

What Causes Fights?

 

Have you ever considered what causes fighting?

 

What causes quarrels among the people around you?

 

James has the answer…

 

They come from your desires that battle within you.

 

James says you want something

from inside you that you can’t get.

 

The result of this internal desire brings out the

worst in all of us and our natural response is to attack.

 

Some of us are quicker to make a fist than others,

 but all of us know what the internal trigger is.

 

The internal trigger is very quick and reactionary.

 

In a moment we can turn into a killer.

 

We can be quick to covet which is…

 

 “To have warmth of feelings against”.

 

So what causes fighting?

 

It is a lack of mutual, empathic understanding.

 

When empathy is not engaged,

than people revert to a self-protective

mode and become judgmental.

 

This always results in bad feelings on both sides.

 

So how do we deal with these internal feelings?

 

Number One…

 

 Recognize the first thing you have to deal with is

your feelings and the feelings of the other person.

 

Too often, we rush to the “bottom line”…

 

 The solution that will resolve the conflict

and we bypass the feelings of others.

 

When I discovered my wife wasn’t always

looking for a solution to her problem…

 

 But for me to understand her feelings,

 we stopped fighting.

 

I am not saying I am perfect…

 

 But we have learned to focus on our empathy

and seek to understand each other’s

feelings before solving issues.

 

In the end if we come up with a

 compromise we both “feel good”.

 

There is a difference between a compromise.

 

If the inner feelings are not understood…

 

 The compromise may deal with the issues,

 but it will leave both sides with a bitter taste

and will be remembers in later differences.

    

Learn to be an interviewer.

 

Follow your natural curiosity of “Why?”

 

Why is that important to you?

 

Why is it so important?

 

 I wonder what makes you feel that way?

 

Recognize an incomplete answer like…

 

“Because.” or, “I just feel that way”.

 

Those are off-putting, non-answers.

 

Ask the other person to think about it

because you really want to understand

how important this is to them and why.

 

You may need to work through

responses like “It’s just how I am.”

 

Your response could be…

 

 “Yes, I hear that, but I’m curious about

how you got that way because it does

seem to be a big deal for you.”

 

When I really ‘get it,’,,,

 

 “Then I’m sure I’ll feel more ready to value

your point of view and even make a compromise."

 

James gives us some additional advice for

those of us who don’t feel we are being heard.

 

James says the reason we don’t get

what we want is we haven’t asked God.

 

James realized that prayer is not a

time of telling God what you want.

 

Prayer is a time of communion.

 

When we pray we realize

God sees and knows our heart.

 

So to share our heart with God is to

let God know what He already knows.

 

So the result is not changing God’s mind,

 but standing before God to see what we are like.

 

The Psalmist got it and said…

 

Search me, O God, and know my heart;

 test me and know my anxious thoughts.

See if there is any offensive way in me,

and lead me in the way everlasting.

Psalms 139:23-24

 

When we realize where fighting comes from…

 

 We realize we don’t start with the

bottom line or the answer to the issues.

 

We start with our feelings and the feelings of others. 

 

Feelings are important and that is where we need to start.

 

Empathy is important for two reasons…

 

One, when we show empathy…

 

 We show the other person is more important than the issues.

 

Two, James says we have wrong motives…

 

 We want self-seeking pleasures.

 

Empathy opens the door for correction.

 

Like James says when we come to God,

 we look into a mirror.

 

In that mirror, we will see wrong

 motives and desire for pleasures.

 

These come from our feelings causing inner battles.

 

Allow God to interview you in prayer

and remember He wants the best for you.

 

In the same way learn how to interview

others because you want the best for them.

 

This is how we stop the fighting and quarrels.

   

 

 

Scripture Reading

 

James 4:1-3 NIV

4:1 What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from your desires that battle within you? 2 You want something but don't get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God. 3 When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.